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Daves “Tomtom” takes eBay and the World by storm

with 3 comments

This is the story of Dave and his wife’s

Tomtom Satnav

First a little background information: I guess you all know about eBay the online auction site where sellers can post items for sale and buyers from around the World can engage in frenetic pricewar bidding to be the winner of the cherished item.

This is the story of one such item, the owners description and his reason for selling.  This story has many sides and depending on your point of view can be read as a story of betrayal, of anger and of humour.

Shortly I’ll let Dave tell his own story,  in his own words,  but first a few facts!

What a “STORY” this is too

The item for sale,  a secondhand  Tomtom satellite navigation unit, value perhaps no more than £30.00 was put up for auction, that is nothing special,  what IS special is the description,  a description that has caught the imagination of viewers all round the  World and created an amazing response totalling 600,000 views.

Bidding started off briskly, maybe some of it was just sympathy bidding but the bid soon rose to £300.00 when the fake bids started to roll in, totals reached into the millions of pounds.  Questions from potential buyers, or sympathisers poured in,  in hundreds to a point when the capacity of the Q & A storage at the eBay site was exceeded  resulting in a freeze in viewable questions.  However this was not the case for Dave, who went on answering as many as he could, direct to the questioner.

Finally, after rejecting these fake bids many times to try and establish a reasonable level of seemingly genuine bidding,  eBay pulled the whole auction from the site.  However Dave and his auction lives on, it lives on in the memories of many readers,  and will I’m sure be talked about for many years,  copies of the auction description,  the comments,  the questions will no doubt be stored around the World in FaceBook users archives.  I am still waiting to see if the promised news paper coverage materialises, in the meantime,  Lets read Dave’s own words.


TomTom GO 700 Automotive GPS Receiver

Item condition:    Used

Time left:    4d 22h (28 Sep, 201121:10:34 BST)

Current bid:    £53.00

[ 17 bids ]

Item location: swindon, Wiltshire, United Kingdom

Seller information

Member ID dave200661 (36)

Auction Description

You are bidding on a TomTom Go 700

This was my wife’s, may her knicker draw be infested with the fleas

of a thousand Camels…

The Go 700 was once the top of the range Sat Nav from TomTom, with an

internal Hard Disk Drive

instead of the traditional SD Card, and had full Bluetooth and Wireless capabilities.

I bought this for the back-stabbing harlot, some four or five years ago,

before she met Nigel

with the Little Penis, and it cost me over £400…

As bless her cheating little heart, she gets lost driving out of the street…perhaps without

this she would never have found the way to Nigels door, nor perhaps his

stain riddled bed…

Her infidelity was discovered when I took her car for an MOT, and while waiting,

I was tinkering

with the Sat Nav and noticed that all her recent journeys had all been to Nigel’s…

So, like any normal human, I reprogrammed Nigel’s address to one in a

town far far away…

My wife bless her treacherous ways, didn’t realise there was anything amiss

until she was driving

East along the M4.

She then tried to act all innocent and lying through her cherry red venemous

snake lips, asked if

I could sort out her beloved TomTom as something was terribly wrong with it:

when she used it to drive to her sisters it took her along the M4.

I presume her sister means Nigel with the erectile problems…

With the anger of the betrayed I said I would, but my frustration and anger

caused me to accidently

delete all the files from the internal drive instead…

Words were spoken, accusations were made… The air hung heavy and was coloured

blue with profanity…

I find it difficult to believe her claims that this is all my fault…

I wasn’t the one getting lost while travelling to Pencil Dick Nigel’s house…

After much arguing she has decided her future lies in the squallor of

Nigel’s cockroach infested hovell…

Good luck to them both… may the ten plagues of Egypt visit their stained

adulterous bed…

I now have her TomTom Go 700 but have no idea how to reinstall the software,

and really I don’t want

the reminder of the cheating, lying, heartless, creature of the night.

All the other accessories are still in her car, so I hope they are happy living

at Nigels together.

Therefore this auction is just for the TomTom Go 700 itself…

I’m sure someone somewhere can make this work…

As an after thought…

There is no returns for this…I really don’t want it back…

The auction Starts at a low but fair £20 and all proceeds will go to taking me

out on a bloody good night with copious amounts of alcahol, wine, women, and song…and if the price is right…

maybe a curry to boot…

So please bid with confidence that all proceeds are for a very worthy cause…

Good Luck

Oh and Postage is for UK only So anywhere else contact me for a price to anywhere else…

Comments added

On Saturday 24 September 2011 Dave posted:

Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning!!!!

Hi everyone…

Well what can I say !!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all doesn’t even come close….

eBay have flagged this listing as contrary to their policies !
Although they have not removed it… they with-hold the right to do so…

eBay doesn’t allow the use of profanity or vulgar language on the site. This includes language that is racist,
hateful, sexual or obscene in nature
If the profane words are part of a title for the item being sold, we allow sellers to ‘blurb’ out the bulk of the

offending word with asterisks (i.e., s*** or f***)

Please Please Please bear this in mind….with your messages

Any messages that are contrary to eBay’s policies cannot therefore be listed
As this might cause the listing to be removed



On 24-Sep-11 at 13:35:02 BST, seller added the following information:

I just read a message from christeon…
who suggested

Post your PayPal email address and I’ll send you a couple of bucks for a beer. I’m sure others would be happy to

send a buck or two to help you try and kill the brain cells and forget the wench

A really nice thought.. but really I don’t deserve that accolade…
Instead anyone who feels similar make a donation to
Cancer Reaserch or Heart Disease Research
both are worthy causes

Maybe some good will come from this listing…

thanks christeon…


On 24-Sep-11 at 23:05:05 BST, seller added the following information:

Ignore the rediculous bids everyone it’s just the few who want to ruin it for the rest…
I don’t care if the SatNav doesn’t sell I’m just glad that everyone is enjoying what I wrote…

Alas the question and answer listing is full and there are no more pages…
unless eBay can supply some more….
PLEASE eBay give the people what they want…

Still tomorrow I’ll see about joining facebook and maybe meeting some of you all there

What a shame the listing is happered by a few simple minded people… C’est La Vie…


On 25-Sep-11 at 03:20:34 BST, seller added the following information:

3am Sunday Morning

I think I need to add some things to this listing…
Firstly, there has been a lot of attention to this… It started out as a bit of fun and has since gone totally crazy…

Thank you all for your tremendous support and extremely humorous additions to it: without each and every one of you, it would be nothing…

I was really enjoying the banter with everyone, and was posting the messages as fast as I could reply to them, and it seems that everyone was enjoying reading them…

It seems eBay have a maxim of space per listing, some six pages…

People we reached that on Friday…

We need at least another fifty pages, maybe more… I have contacted Ebay asking if anything can be done and am awaiting a reply…

We have til Wednesday…Fingers crossed…

Ok now to the immature few who think it big to place ridiculous bids…

This listing contains the vilification of two people…
And almost ½ a million people joining in with that…
Surely you can’t be that stupid…
Obviously you can…

Now the bidding has reached the maximum and the bidding has stoped…
Congratulations you’ve just bought a broken SatNav for 10 Million quid…
What’s the worst that will happen…
Hmmm let me think…
I’ll take a guess that you won’t actually be paying…
I never ever saw that coming, took me by surprise that did…
Oh My God I’m so upset…Boo hoo, boo hoo…

Yes you’ve stopped genuine people from placing a bid, maybe that was

your intention all along…
To stop people enjoying themselves and me from making a few quid…
Well congratulations you succeeded…
Do you feel a big man now ?

I look at things this way…
Earlier today I was actually thinking this is wrong, I’m fit to make a few hundred quid from a SatNav sale that’s probably only worth around £20-£30… I was actually feeling uncomfortable about it…

Karma dictates that what goes around comes around, and seeing as I was fit to make tenfold what the SatNav was worth I was thinking this is going to cost me big, and I was considering donating it to charity.
Then some Nigel with an iddie biddie weenie ikool string bean comes along and bungs on some fake bids, it reaches the maximum so all bids are off.
Karma paid in full… I’m left with nothing: well except my broken SatNav…

Seriously I don’t give a damn about the money, there are more things in this world than simply making a profit…
To me the amount of happiness this listing has given is worth so much more than the alleged few hundred quid the SatNav might have raised.

You have done nothing…
I can still go out with friends, and have a proper drinking session and a curry…
I can sit back and read the thousands of messages that I’ve been sent from new friends worldwide and feel a wealth that money can never proffer…
You can sit alone, watching a blank screen, wishing you had friends, a pe*is, and a life…

When people from all around the world are taking the time to read something I wrote, or to forward it to their friends because they know it will make someone else happy, money becomes immaterial…

When someone takes the time to write, saying, ‘they have just got back from a friend’s son’s funeral and my listing made them smile and feel better’, that is worth so much more than money can buy…

That feeling, you d*ckless excuse for a human being, is something you will never know…

Almost ½ million people like what I have written…
Almost ½ million people think you’re a complete waste of a life…

So what are you immature NIGEL’s trying to prove…
Obviously you are so impressed by the impact this listing has had that you feel you have to do something to be involved in it…

Instead of joining in like the other ½ million viewers from around the world you have to do something that you think will impress everyone…
So you make a fake bid for the SatNav…
Yes that’ll really impress everyone…
Does having your name at the top of the bids list really make you feel good about yourself…

Do you think that people will go ‘OMG he’s a legend’
For f**ks sake get a life, I’ve ticked the privacy box
No one knows who you are…

No one cares who you are… except you…and no one gives a rotting dogs

bo***ck about you !

On this listing we all know what your problem is…
You’re another Nigel with even smaller genitalia…

Perhaps you should seek counselling… you obviously have a major inferiority complex, probably caused by pe*is envy…
Wassa madda, diddums get buwweed at skoowwl ?
wuddunt da udda chwildwen pway widjjoo ?
Do you sit down to take a p**s like a woman ?
You are one sad f**king person: what a waste of a life !

By the way, that flappy empty bag of skin you have…
Well that’s where the b*lls are meant to be…
They usually drop in the teenage years…
Don’t worry, one day yours might too…

Anyway.. everyone, let’s hope that eBay will give us some more pages for the questions and answers…
I’ll continue answering them all – it’ll take some time I have 1900+

unanswered in my inbox …

It’s a shame the bidding has been ruined by idiots, but in the words of Queen…

‘The Show Must Go On’…


On 26-Sep-11 at 00:15:54 BST, seller added the following information:

Sunday Midnight

Yippee I’m a frikkin’ multi-millionaire again
Bugger it’s another fake….

However, thanks to everyone who’s been warning me about eBay’s policies….
eBay will still charge commission on the sale and I’ll have to claim to get it back

An obvious fake bid of 10,000,000.00 means I’ve got to pay eBay shed loads

until some point in the
future when eBay say yes it was a fake !
In the interim they get the interest and I get Shafted…


If some Dog Egg wants to play silly buggers then so be it….

A simple solution….
Remove the registered email address from the PayPal account…
If it was the Primary Address simply add another, set that as the Primary Address, confirm it, then delete the old one…

If by some chance the winning bid is paid then it will simply register as payment unclaimed…
In which case simply re instate the original email address….and claim the money…

The email address that is linked to the PayPal account  for this eBay auction has therefore been changed….
It is now residing in the email equivalent of heaven…and eBay cannot automatically take the money direct from my account…it no longer exists.

They can bill me, and I will counter their claim, battle it out to its

logical resolution, but no monies get taken from my account…

If a genuine bidder wins the auction message me and we can talk Charities…

At the start of this roller-coaster I said:
All proceeds will go to taking me out on a bloody good night with copious amounts of alcahol, wine, women, and song…and if the price is right…maybe a curry to boot

I can no longer condone that statement…
So lets say £100 for the really good night out

The rest split between the two Charities I cited above Cancer Research and

Heart Disease Research


Page One

Q:      does this Nigel live near Stroud? I know he recently purchased a satnav off ebay that like yours; doesn’t work, so there’s a possibility he was going to programme that one to send her back home, to a decent willy! as she not found her way back yet?     23-Sep-11

A:      He could buy a thousand Sat Navs for her but she’ll never darken these hallowed halls again. It’s true, while she was here, she was always moaning with my more than generous helping of manhood… Perhaps it was too much for her so she sought something smaller. Sadly for Nigel it must be like parking a mini in a lorry bay…

Q:      I hope you feel better getting all that off your chest.Women like your wife give all women a bad name….please don’t judge us all by her. I hope you meet someone who loves you, and will never betray you. Good luck. xxx     23-Sep-11

A:      Thank you for you kind words, I never judge a book by the cover, and I have no reason to tar all women with the same brush…The succubus that I married was one bad apple, but the tree still blossoms every year, some fruits are sweet and juicy, others bitter and sour… My last apple now has a maggot in it.. Perhaps my next, will be one of the Golden Apples of the Hesperides…

Q:      hi,im not a nigel lol,but i wish u every luck in selling the tom tom and hope that the next user uses it wisely,and not for the purpose of cheating,good luck,thanks for the laugh its made my day,     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi not a Nigel…Glad this listing has brought a little light into your life, it seems there are many like yourself who have found the TomTom Go 700 such an interesting and enjoyable subject… I assume of course, that it has nothing to do with Nigel’s Erectile problems, nor even the floozy of a thousand penetrations, just the TomTom…


Q:      dont worry , theres plenty more out there, trust me just take each day as it comes , feel free to get a escort girl for a few nights , go out pull and enjoy yourself , then when your done playing get yourself a 8ft 4wt fly rod set up and join the fish and fly forum , you’ll love it, Cheers Spencer     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Spencer, thanks for the encouragement… However I’m a little confused, surely if I’ve hired an escort girl then I shouldn’t have to ‘pull’ if I’m paying then she can do the ‘pulling’ for me !!! I agree there are plenty more fish in the sea, I’m just glad I still have some bait left with which to catch one… Now the Harpie has found another table at which to feast, I intend to enjoy myself, and fully satiate myself…


Q:      How do you know Nigel has a small willy? X     22-Sep-11

A:      I’ve known him since I was twelve, he hasn’t grown much over the years…

Q:      Just wondering does the Nigel you talk of have ginger hair? as we know a Nigel and were always ribbing him about having a small Nob .     22-Sep-11

A:      Hi, Yes Nigel does have ginger hair… apparently he shaves his genitals because it’s easier to find his penis without the pubic hair to hide it…


Q:      most of my mates are called nigel, an they being banging other peoples wives for years.Back to your tomtom is it clean?? ie not covered in semen??? screen not tacky??? cheers 007     22-Sep-11

A:      Hi again… Yes the TomTom is clean, semen free and not at all tacky… Unlike your partner, who apparently has been visited by your numerous mates called Nigel, and is laying there now on your bed, pretty much as you described my TomTom…


Q:      just to let you know feel really sorry for you what a bitch, but you are giving everyone on my face book hysterical with laughter you’ve made our day bev     22-Sep-11

A:      Hi Bev…. Thanks for your kind words, now that the fetid stench of moose breath has left the building, I can actually draw breath without choking. It is nice to hear that my words are bringing pleasure to so many, and have brought a sparkle to your day.


Q:      I don’t want to buy the Tom Tom but fair play this made myself and a few others laugh!!! Nice listing     22-Sep-11

A:      Thanks for your heart-felt comments… It was my intention that the pain and suffering caused by the conniving Jezebel and her flacid lover Nigel, should bring a modicome of entertainment to yourself and so many others…


Q:      women eh? will all addresses be wiped off mate cheers 007     22-Sep-11

A:      Indeed women!! The world would be a far lonelier place without them… and we cannot blame all women for the actions of the few, or the one… Sadly yes all addresses are wiped, infact the entire contents of the internal hard Drive have been wiped… So don’t worry mate – your secret is safe…


Q:      A friend of mine, Nigel, told me that this particular model works very well. As I am only wanting something good, I was wondering whether you would agree with him?     22-Sep-11

A:      I think your friend might be somewhat exaggerating…the particular model that is now with Nigel has never worked, and just leeches from those around her, has extremely poor personal hygene, and the sex appeal of a wet trout… However the TomTom Go 700 is actually a very good SatNav…and in the hands of a beautiful woman, any man would ‘rise’ to the occasion… except Nigel who has serious erectile problems…


Q:      underneath is the reset button, you could then sell it for more and get a better night out and more drunk…that will help you forget knob head nigel…lol     22-Sep-11

A:      Thanks for the advice, but no amount of pressing the reset button will reinstall the software and maps that I deleted, when the affair between the two faced skin of evil, and Nigel with the tiny penis was known… Whatever the auction raises will suffice: after all, is it not justice enough, that Limp Nigel has to live with the endless lies and deceit of a black-hearted temptress of the night, and wake every morning entwined in her dinner-ladies arms, and the over-bearing aroma of a ripening cheddar… Forgetting them will not be a problem…


Q:      Hi sorry to hear about you news,my wonderful wife did the same to me & buggerd off to France with the kids 😦 good luck with your sale, “karma” will come to get her in the end…….     21-Sep-11

A:      Indeed Karma will pay a visit on us all, I just hope that the dragon of a thousand breaths gets all she deserves… alas I don’t think Nigel’s endowment will give her that


Q:      Is collection welcome? Nigel     21-Sep-11

A:      There seems to be many Nigel’s… I’m sure the scarlet hussy of a thousand penetrations has laid her head on many a pillow… Yes by all means come round…I’m sure we have much to discuss… as history tells us. marry your mistress there’s a vacancy… besides with what you’re offering, do you think she’ll be satisfied for long…


Q:      Hi, this is Nigel. I have load of accessories but no SatNav…you’re cool if I bid for it right?     21-Sep-11

A:      Hi Nigel, yes you ????????????????????? I’m happy for you to bid ?????? I’ll even send that soul sucking harlot’s genital wart cream, and repeat prescription for canistan to save on postage Good Luck and Happy Bidding you ??????


Q:      Does Nigel have a gimp mask fetish??? I think I might know him?     20-Sep-11

A:      Thanks for your quaere… Apparently he does have a vast selection of gimp masks, however it’s the Scarlet Harridan who can recount the details of Nigel’s fetishes, or even his need for them… perhaps it’s to compensate for his lacking in the trouser department…


Page Two

Q:      Hi there Dave!I just wanted to say that I think you’re brill and cheers for the
        hilarious and entertaining comments. You’d make a great columnist you know, but
        then maybe you already are 😉 Good luck to you and have a great party soon!!!
        Rgds, Monique     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Monique… I’m shocked by how many people are enjoying this listing, I’m not
        a columnist, but from all the positive feed back I am seriously re-evaluating
        where to go next…

Q:      hi there im vicky and wanted to know are you on facebook and if so would you like
        to chat as i too have been sufference to a similar tale we could plan a very   

        messy night out in tribute to our good luck in riddings of the short (lol)
        comings (ooo eeer) that we have ridded ourselves of…. message me on here
        i am (xxxxxxxxxx) x     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Vicky, I’m not personally on facebook… but by the amount of comments and
        people linking this listing to their pages I’m all over it like the rash on the
        thighs of the Scarlet Hussey… I’ll consider signing up after this… If you’re     
        serious contact me again…

Q:      hi dave i just want to say brilliant i salute u sir!     23-Sep-11

A:      Why thank you very much, I shake your hand with respect…don’t worry it has
        been completely disinfected and I have assurances that there are no contagious
        diseases…NHS warning No Doctors were consulted during the writing of this reply

Q:      Can I ask Dave,why did you not go round and beat seven bales out of Nigel? 23-Sep-11

A:      I can’t confess to such actions, nor can I condone them, especially here on eBay
        where there seems to such interest, after all I don’t want to get arrested.
        Besides there is a part of me that thinks I have actually got the better deal…
        I got a SatNav that doesn’t work: he got a soul-sucking creature from a venomous
        pit of vipers, who will eat him out of house and home, bleed him dry and still
        demand more…then she will simply repeat her cycle of finding some other poor
        helpless whimp, and Nigel will find himself alone and back to relieving himself
        between fore-finger and thumb… I say good luck to them both…

Q:      XXX XXXX …………when i typed that into my satnav its directing me to Harlot
        46 Minna (should that be Minger) Street in San Francisco. Is that where this famous
        Nigel of the Underprivileged resides? or is myk my TomTom on the blink, in which
        case it looks like I will be entering this bidding frenzy!!!     23-Sep-11

A:      I wouldn’t be surprised if Nigel with the little penis and erictile problems leaves
        the country long before this listing ends… he has been named, shamed, and
        villified here on eBay for evermore… o San Fransisco is as good a place as any
        to hide away in shame… So in answer to your question I don’t think your SatNav
        is on the blink… but if the screen is flashing, which can be reminiscent of
        a blink then perhaps it needs looking at…

Q:      I have read your listing courtesy of my husband and have got to say I find your
        posting hilarious! I don’t need a satnav as I am a rare breed of woman who can
        read a map but was tempted to bid because your listing is brill. All the very
        best Mary     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Mary, thank you… Your husband is a lucky lucky man, women who can read maps
        are a rare breed, and should be treated accordingly…in some far off countries,
        women with such skills are stoned to death for practicing witch craft… The
        SatNav wouldn’t be much use to a skilled cartographer such as yourself, it doesn’t
        even have any maps on it… perhaps you might like to use it as a paper-weight to
        hold your own maps on the dashboard…Or perhaps use it as a club to batter     
        anyone who passes snide comments about your ability to read a map…

Q:      do you have the upload lead to connect the tomtom to the computer so it can be
        re-loaded with software or has the unmentionable taken all the leads     23-Sep-11

A:      She who shall be nameless here for evermore has everything else… I’m sure
        someone cleverer than I can be load it with software or maps or even the postcode
        to Nigel with the missing manhood… but I neither know how to do this, where to
        get the afore mentioned items, nor do I care to be reminded of the ghastly grim
        and acid maiden for fear of dreams no mortal man should ever be forced to endure…

Q:      hi,just wanting to say congratulations on getting rid of your hoe and i hope you
        party hard lol no idea why she would downsize,it’s insanity…my friend tracey
        loves you too =)     23-Sep-11

A:      Hello to fans of this listing down-under… In fact hello to all readers
        world-wide… Thanks for the words of encouragement and support. I intend to
        party and hopefully get hard: rather than just party hard… I have no idea why
        she would down-size either: it beggers belief… perhaps she thought it’d be
        easier on gas… she did suffer badly from Gusset Gas, but apparently that’s
        something to do with not everyone being endowed with a baby’s arm holding an
        apple, and because women are designed to accomodate something smaller the
        resulting damage allows for severe front-bottom flatulance…

Q:      picture of wife?     23-Sep-11

A:      Removed from the listing by eBay… apparently it was too horrific and was too
        upsetting to small children, teenagers, adults, and generally all forms of life,
        animal, vegetable or mineral on planet earth… A group of pan dimensional beings
        from the dimension Zeta-b4-Douglas-M found it to be quite pleasant, offering to
        trade her for a Grrubbihoe, which in Pounds Sterling equates to a quick hand
        shuffle down the local Red Light District…

Q:      You are a top fella dave!!!     23-Sep-11

A:      I’m also really good from beneath or behind as well…

Q:      What a shame that Nigels addres is not still in the Sat Nav, I was looking for
        a gift for my wife…..     23-Sep-11

A:      Am I to assume you are having marital problems? I can understand why… buying
        your wife a SatNav as a gift will not make her happy, nor will it get you any
        action in the bedroom department… Start again with something simple… start
        with flowers and chocolates, and then work up to lingerie and perfumes… best
        get to know her size and preference first though… Seriously mate, forget
        the Gadgets and Gizmo’s they’re Boy’s Toys… Good Luck you’re gonna need it…

Q:      Hiya Dave, This is a really popular listing I see with over 13000 views
        so far!!!! I’ve two suggestions for you….Firstly is to put a link from here
        to facebook suggesting a party (at a date that would of course be for you to
        arrange) that is being held at Nigels, and secondly asking each viewer to donate
        £1 to your wine women and curry night out. Unfortunately I wouldnt be able to
        attend the party, but if you raise enough in the way of donations would be able
        to help you with the alcohol women and curry. By the way, you say you bought
        this item for your on earth did she attach it to her witches broom?

A:      Thanks for your suggestion, It seems there have been many people who have
        linked this listing to their facebook pages already… But I do like the idea of
        the party… I will certainly give that some thought…TomTom sell mounting
        brackets for broomsticks, it’s called Duct Tape [pronounced duck tape] and is
        now commonly accepted by most covens as a replacement for the traditional
        witches ‘familiar’… It seems there have been complaints from the Cat
        Protection League about kittens falling from broomsticks, or simply being
        traumatised by flight…

Q:      I note that you have one negative comment in your feedback. It’s strange, but
        I think that eBay have made a mistake in attaching yours ex-wife’s feedback
        from something she bought from Nigel, to you. She complains that this was “not
        a replacement as described” and then goes on to say that she is now “board”.
        Not only is she the way she is, but she can’t spell either. A woman who is
        indifferent to the vows of marriage is terrible. A woman that adopts a random
        approach to spelling and grammar is terribly stupid. Trusting that happy
        chance delivers you a lady on your night out who is neither terrible nor stupid.
        Oh… and a curry too!     23-Sep-11

A:      How nice to see there are still Pedagogues in the world… how rare to find one     
        presiding over eBay listings… Yes I have had negative feedback – your point
        being? Some people are never happy… I note that you draw attention to spelling
        and grammer; but still find it acceptable to spell ‘can’t’ and ‘it’s’ with
        question marks instead of the traditional apostrophes used in accordance with
        the Oxford English Dictionary… and you added a question mark to the sentence
       ‘She complains that this was ?not a replacement as described?’… I therefore
        draw your attention to the idiom ‘people who live in glass houses shouldn’t
        throw stones…’

Q:      Fucking cow mate plenty more fish in the sea as they say good luck 23-Sep-11

A:      Please refrain from the profanity, there might be children present….Yes
        indeed she’s a total heffer, I cannot understand the logic… she was mated to
        a ramapnt ‘English Longhorn’, but decided to find pastures new, I could accept
        it if she’d gone for the ‘Jamaica Black’, but it seems she prefers the
        ‘Milking Shorthorn’ or perhaps Nigel’s a ‘Limpurger’….

Q:      Are you sure it can be made to work again? I need one for a lady friend who’s
        last one let her down. Regards ‘Big Boy’ Nigel     23-Sep-11

A:      Anything can be made to work…well apart from the Brazen Slug Hussey… All I
        will say is, like the harlot, the TomTom is easy to turn on, and just like she
        who leaves the trail of a snail, it just doesn’t do anything else… just sits
        there looking at you expectantly…

Q:      no reply needed     23-Sep-11
A:      So none given… but it begs the question why ask? Still thanks for taking the
        time to write…

Q:      Hi Dave, i am so sorry this has happened to you but hey behind every cloud and
        all that. so i was wondering are you still in contact with your ex no doubt
        screaming harlot? and is she a looker?. if yes to both these i wonder if i passed
        on my post code you could give it to her so she can programme it into her new
        sat nav (by now)and come and give me a visit. look forward to hearing from you.
        x     23-Sep-11

A:      Yes every cloud…yadda yadda yadda… mine was toxic… Why Why Why would I
        still be in contact with Beelzebub’s Rhapsody in Scarlet, she made her stain
 riddled bed, she can go lay her rotting corpse in it… yes she’s a ‘looker’
        spelt with ‘H’… Why, oh why, oh why, would you want me to pass on your post
        code are you really that desperate ? Come man grow a pair! Find someone for
        yourself… you wouldn’t wear a strangers pants ! why would you want to
        embarass yourself with with someone’s hand-me-down… If you are still that
        desperate, or simply unable to find someone for yourself her new postcode is
        (XXX XXX)

Q:      8ft 4wt fly rod wot the xucks that all about?????? that`s nigel spencer n e
        banging one of mates called nigel sidebottom, and there lass no`s nowt about
        it! back to tomtom.  doe`s it work by any chance????????? cheers 007 23-Sep-11

A:      I wouldn’t know anything about who’s doing what to whom… why they’re doing it
or even what they’re getting from it… As for the TomTom, well it turns on…
        If there was maps and software on it then I pressume it’ll work properly again…

Q:      You are a true hero!! Shame I dont live near Swindon.. I’d gladly take you out
        for a drink or ten.. nice one.. just love it!! good luck babe -) 23-Sep-11

A:      Yes indeed a shame you don’t live near Swindon… I’ve never been a hero
        before… Glad this listing has brought you some enjoyment… If you’re
                     interested, I know where there’s a Sat Nav going cheap if you ever wanted to
        visit Swindon…

Page Three

Q:      Dave you are a legend! x x x     23-Sep-11
A:      No, not quite a legend yet, but this listing seems to helping…
Q:      hi dave i just had to tap out a few words, first of all to say how much i laughedwhen reading   your post, and also maybe a few words of commiseration, but it does sound like you are well rid.    im sorry thsat i dont need a sat-nav at the moment, i do still like the old fashioned map  reading myself, but i wish you the best of luck, hope it sells for loads of cash and you have  a damn good night out. you sound like a diamond geezer with a great sense of humour. xx  23-Sep-11

A:      As long as you’re only tapping out words, then we’re cool…anything else and you’re on your own…    and really it’s best not to boast about personal habits your secret is safe with me but there   might be one or two people watching…

Q:      i love you dave     23-Sep-11

A:      Thank you… I love you too…

Q:      Hi Dave, just read this listing via our own website posted by a member, and i`ve got to say after  having a crap week at work this has cheered me up no end….good luck with the listing…     (it should win an award) and good luck for the future…Andy     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Andy, You’ve been having a crap all week at work… glad this has cheered you up, but shit   man, you really need to go see the doctor crapping all week long that really aint normal…

Q:      Oh what a refreshing change sense of humour is 110%, love it if Carlsberg made men id love one  just like you, good luck with finding a decent woman and somehow I think things with Hefer  and Nigel small cock will last as long as his erection, which judging by recent comments not   very long……….muchas love xx     23-Sep-11

A:      Sense of humour… yes… you should hear me on a good day…I might even make 11.1% ! A Carlsberg  now that sounds good, I need a drink after all these replys… You are quite correct,  Nigel smallcock isn’t very long and for god sake don’t blink else he’d have cum and gone………      lovas muchas possible…

Q:      a Satellite just fell out of the sky and landed on my shed. will this cause the gps function
to fail or make my eye bleed? or both     23-Sep-11

A:      Sorry to hear about the Satelite landing on your shed…it shouldn’t be a problem with the  GPS functions of a SatNav but the radiation might give you a nasty itch, especially if you’ve   touched it and then failed to wash your hands…But it shouldn’t make you eyes bleed, maybe  water a little… but if you see either Nigel or the Devils Spawn then you will have to wash  your eyes out with bleach just to save the onset of blindness..

Q:      this is that funny that it is doing the rounds on facebook lol i was tempted to bid myself
just so you could get pissed and i dont even drive     23-Sep-11

A:      Yes I understand that it is creating quite a stir on facebook…It’s all beyond me at the moment

Q:      I would bid just cos i think your a top fella 😉     23-Sep-11

A:      It’s a free world, who am I to say what you should do… so bid if you wish, or simply enjoy  the listing and it’s many many comments…

Q:      Mate, this is genius! I hope you get the money your looking for and have a cracking night  out! Her loss…Shes obviously got a Dirt and Grub fetish by the looks! All the best! this has  made me day!     23-Sep-11

A:      A Dirt and Grub fetish, you obviosly know her… and well by the sounds of it…

Q:      Hi I have a question – You seem to know a lot about the size of Nigels equipment, yet nowhere  in your listing do you mention how you came by such information. Is this pure speculation or  can you offer any sort of factual evidence? Many thanks – Not Nigel     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Not Nigel… Are you sure you’re not Nigel, that wasn’t very convincing! and frankly why  state that at all…no one else has… I suspect you are Nigel… so in answer to your question,  you remember when you put the Hussey’s hand down your trousers and she said no thanks I don’t  smoke…Thats how we all know…

Q:      Just seen this,brilliant     23-Sep-11

A:      I’ve seen it too…what are we looking at…and why is it brilliant…

Q:      Hi would you possibly consider a swop for a Weather Satellite ? Its slightly damaged , one owner VERY VERY High mileage , delivery possible somwere in the western hemisphere about 23.00 CET  ?? This is of course a swop for your Sat Nav , NOT your soon to be EX wife …. Regards   NASA , Houston Texas , USA …..     23-Sep-11

A:      Hmmmm, that is tempting… I could use a weather satelite, it just depends whether or not the  damage is excessive, I do believe that everything comes to he who waits so I’ll see what  happens in the next few hours, if I don’t suddenly have a weather station in my garden I’ll  get back to you…Are you sure that NASA doesn’t want to take the Harlot of a Thousand  Penetrations in part ex for say a Space Shuttle… I’ll accept a small cash adjustment on your  part, just to balance things up fairly…

Q:      Good luck with this mate you deserve a good night out after all this xx     23-Sep-11

A:      I’m gonna need to buy a new bloody keyboard after all the typing thats been done recently…  at least my typing is for a reason, unlike the brazen hussey of a thousand warts, she will have   to resort to Gusset Typing as I’m sure Nigel will give her no satisfaction

Q:      I’ve linked this to twitter in the hope of getting more bids. Loads of my friends are linking  it on Facebook as well. Hope you get enough for a cracking night out! Sounds like you deserve it. Ever considered writing for a career? You write beautifully.     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi thanks for the feedback, I’m completely shocked by the response that this listing is
        having… It does seem that at the moment I’m quite popular on facebook… I’m considering  signing up and starting my own page… obviously with updates and much more interesting things  than the sale of a SatNav…

Q:      if it wasnt for owning a sat nav already! i would bid to fund your well deserved night out!
your a true inspiration! i hope Nigels little button mushroom gets warts and falls off!
best of luck for your future ! 23-Sep-11

A:      Yes Mushroom Boy does have some problems to overcome… perhaps if he reads this listing he  too will find inspiration on how to triumph over adversity…then again I doubt if he will ever   show his face in public again…

Q:      Hello Dave I don’t need a Satnav but wanted to say absolute class     23-Sep-11

A:      Thanks… are you sure you don’t need a SatNav… they’re very good when used properly…

Q:      Love the advert mate fair play lol     23-Sep-11

A:      Thanks glad you enjoyed it… it seems that people all around the world are finding it a
        happy releaase…well everyone except Nigel, he fails to have any sort of release as he
        has erectile problems…

Q:      Just want to say, the description for the tom-tom is quality!     23-Sep-11

A:      Thank you, alas there is no quality in Nigels trousers, nor with the who hussey fled through the night to his bed of thorns – well one little prick is hardly a bed of thorns but you
        get the drift…

Page Four

Q:      Dave, I think the way forward is motivational speaking – I think you are becoming a global legend
as I for one (hope you don’t mind) posted your link on facebook and it appears to be spreading so
fast I am sure ‘Tom Tom Dave’ will be a household name. Your item doesn’t appear to be rising in
bids despite this so I think ‘Meet Tom Tom Dave in the flesh and hear how he moved his life on’
would result in a shortage of tickets and a hefty bank balance …… only a thought :o)
Wishing you and your sharp wit every happiness and success in the future. Gill :o)     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Gill, no I don’t mind you posting this listing on facebook, seems many others have done the
same… Love the idea of motivational speaking and the hefty bank balance is of great interest
… I don’t really know where to go from here, it was all a bit of a laugh that seems to have
touched a nerve with – well everyone who reads it…and is growing at a phenomenal rate…
Thanks for your comments…

Q:      Now if Nigel mini willy had any sense he would buy this off you as she who shall be nameless
for evermore has all the rest of the stuff..then he can sell on the package for a higher amount
and buy himself a penis enlarger hahahahaha thanks for the laugh!!     23-Sep-11

A:      If Nigel mini willy had any sense he wouldn’t get involved with such a soul sucking leech…
but each to their own… Alas I don’t think a penis enlarger will be of much use.. perhaps
cosmetic surgery… or maybe a transplant…


Q:      Hi dave it seems u are a celebrity as i found out about ur sat nav via facebook!!! although in
parts its amusing its sad but at least u know now otherwise u may never have found out as she
wasnt very forthcoming with the truth. can i wish u all the best for the future i do hope you
make enough money to get totally drunk and find urself a beautiful wife inside and out x 23-Sep-11

A:      I would hate to consider myself a celebrity over a SatNav listing… or for the missdeeds of the
infamous she devil… nor even for bringing attention to Nigel’s short cummings…

Q:      Hi mate: Go for it! I had similar done to me by my ex, four years previous. Wish I’d have
had the forethought you did. More power to your elbow..     23-Sep-11

A:      Why more power to my elbow… are you insinuating that I have a lonely future ahead that
will require a powerful elbow… perhaps a good wrist action would suffice for a while…

Have you any tips to offer…

Q:      whats your name i want you as my friend on facebook! ur hilarious!! haha     23-Sep-11

A:      As I’ve said elsewhere in these comments I’m not actually on facebook…

well not as a member…
but apparently I have created a little interest amongst it users… perhaps I should

sign up and see where things lead

Q:      have just got to say that this is the most hilarious listing ive ever seen, hope you get plenty
of £££’s for your well deserved alcoholic binge and curry!!
(i first read about this listing on facebook)!!!     23-Sep-11

A:      I’m going to need a major binge after this listing ends… just keeping up with the

comments is a full time job…

Q:      I have to say I have never met a man with such a great sense of humor, for that 1 reason alone
she is a crazy lady. Maybe when she get to her 40’s and has had a taste of what I’ve had she
will look back and wonder why the hell she left you. I wish I had been so fortunate to have met
you. I have fallen in love with you just from you listing and answers, what is wrong with the
woman? Oh and I love the post code you gave her. I would be happy to spend just 1 hour in your
company. lol Marie     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Marie… I would love to offer you the chance to spend an hour in my company… but alas I
don’t have a company for you to spend any time in… if I did I would happily employ you for
an hour… maybe two if you were any good at your job…

Q:      hi dave dont get rid of the sat nav put my postcode in and come have a drink with me xxx 23-Sep-11

A:      We will have to talk more of this drink you mention…

Q:      brilliant dave i hope you have a brill nght out ,,     23-Sep-11

A:      I always have a brilliant night out… life like Nigels Manhood, is far too short to be miserable…


Q:      Perhaps, at this very moment, Nigel is posting a photo of his small ‘member’ onto ebay in the
hope that by clicking furiously on the ‘Enlarge’ button it might have an effect!   23-Sep-11

A:      I doubt if he’d be able to photograph it himself… hed’d need several people one to hold the
camera, another to hold the magnifying glass, another to keep the hysterical laughter under
control, and another still to mark the spot where it was last seen… perhaps he’d be better
using his groin for a spot the ball competition…

Q:      DAVE!! your amazing hahahaha nice post, im very tempted haha! God damn woman what a meani! your too good for her x     23-Sep-11

A:      Why thank you… although I wouldn’t use amazing as a descriptor…but then again I’ve been
called many things in recent months… and going by them I’ll greatfully accept amazing…

Q:      Sorry about your dirty slut of a wife but your listing has made me chuckle. If I had the money
I would buy it just so you could have a good night out. Keep your chin up luv we aint
all bad x     23-Sep-11

A:      Yes I know there’s some lovely people out there… there have been so many comments left that
I beginning to think there’s really only one or two bad ones for every ten

thousand good ones… Thanks

Q:      Best listing ever – hope you sell it, gets loads of money and have a totally brill
night out 🙂     23-Sep-11

A:      I wouldn’t call it the best listing ever – but it’s certainly brought some happiness

to a few people…

Q:      Much easier to get a dog 🙂 and cheaper plus frontline can handle the fleas pmsl 23-Sep-11

A:      I had a dog look how that turned out… I think your advice needs some work…

don’t give up the day job…

Q:      chap i just have to say that you have my sympathy as i know what its like. great write up,
i hope you gets loads for it and you get totally wasted. big up me :0)     23-Sep-11

A:      Buddy… glad you like the write up…adultery is a bitch… or should that be adultery is
because she’s a bitch ? hmmmm…

Q:      Hi Dave, Sorry, I don’t really need a SAT NAV but I just wanted to say good luck with the
auction, and I hope you enjoy the night out, booze and (with any luck which seems to have
eluded you so far with your choice of beloved) a delicious and nutritious curry. All the best 23-Sep-11

A:      Are you sure that you’re sure that you don’t need a SatNav… They’re useful when they work…
Mine don’t but there’s others that do…Is there such a thing as a nutritious curry ?
tasty and delicious yes…but nutritious not too sure about that…

Q:      Hi Dave, i would like to wish u the very very best 4 the future. Gd luk mate xxx  23-Sep-11

A:      I would like to wish me a lottery win… Euro millions tonight would do nicely… hey ho we
all have dreams… or as I’ve had in recent years nightmares and dayhorses….

Page Five

Q:      Hi, Dave may,B a GPS unit for the next women in your life pal, many thanks for
sharing a story of the wandering other half, and leveled honesty,
Brutus3534 , bret stockport     23-Sep-11

A:      Who knows what tomorrow will bring…

Q:      I am so sorry….not all women are like your brazen hussey some of us are normal honey.
Please do start the facebook page, as this was posted several times by my friends and
has given us all a boost for the weekend. Unfortunately I already have a SatNav which
I cannot programme so let hubby do it for me. Hope you make lots of wonga and have an
enjoyable night out, if you come to Essex who knows, might even buy you a pint xx


A:      I’m still trying to catch up with the messages…haven’t had time to eat yet… I’ll
        try and post a link on the listing to a facebook page before the end of the listing

Q:      Hope you are well considering what you must have been through. My name is Rxxx Sxxxx from
The Sun newspaper. We’ve been directed to the sale of your Tom Tom which seems like it has
an incredible story behind it. Please could you give me a call to discuss it further? You
can contact me on    (contact details removed for privacy)     23-Sep-11

A:      Are you serious… there have been a few of these messages

Q:      Mate this is pure class hope ya gt out on the piss bud, its all ova fb to chek ur ebay
haha fair play 🙂     23-Sep-11

A:      Yes Strange as it might seem I know…My email is swamped…

Q:      Dave you’re a legend. 🙂 x     23-Sep-11

A:      Not quite but this listing is certainly helping…

Q:      Just brilliant! Saw this through Facebook, and I’m gonna re-post to help your bidding.
Best of luck mate. If you need a drinking partner – give me a shout!!!     23-Sep-11

A:      Cheers… will keep that in mind…

Q:      hee hee – most impressive dear sir – as a newly singleton myself I hope that the women
ine and song that this night out gives you will eradicate all memory of her 😉     23-Sep-11

A:      Memory of who? Oh you mean that Scarlet feind who used to walk amongst us… yes I think
        I’m beginning to forget…

Q:      hi dave, awesome listing I hope medusa took the cribbage board thats on your feedback
cos she will obviously have hours of time to kill with tiny todger nigel !!!! 23-Sep-11

A:      Yes and she could even use Nigel’s manhood as one of the pegs…

Q:      Unfortunatley i dont even have a car for a satnav :(. BUT you, are a genius! I have
tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks! I hope the hoe & Nigelsmall-penis sees this,
the world of ebay is laughing at them! Good luck with the selling, hope you get a good
night out and may the hoolet and Nigelsmall-penis have many unsatisfying
nights x     23-Sep-11

A:      Indeed it seems this listing has caused quite a stir…I would be so nice to think they
        are sat there looking at each other with the facebook links and this listing open in
        front of them… May their night of pleasure be cursed with a thousand premature
        ejaculations… Geeez that wish was granted blood quick…

Q:      Hi Dave just so you know it wasn’t Nigel that slept with your wife it was me. and can
i plz have my sat-nav back     23-Sep-11

A:      So you’re the brazen hussy who slept with herself…the SatNav was afterall my
        wifes…hmmmm… I’ll have to say no to your request..

Q:      Saw this on facebook – You have so cheered me up after A Horrid Day. Bravo on the
listing – absolutely hilarious. Hope you had a bloody good night out 🙂 Emilia     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Emilia, Glad this cheered you up after a Horrid day…Do you want to be really happy….

Q:      HAHAHAHAHA go team Dave!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤     23-Sep-11

A:      Wow cheerleaders as well… should have done this years ago…

Q:      Hi Dave, I was wondering whether your story was true as to the reason that you are
selling the TomTom? I am a freelance reporter and would love to do a story if you
were keen… Thanks for all your help and I look forward to hearing from you.
Laura.     23-Sep-11

A:      Hi Laura…are you serious…

Q:      hello dave, i am so sorry that you have been cheated on, oh how i wish my ex had a
tom tom in our car, but then again i can also read maps and also use cunning, so i
followed him and caught him bang to rights, literally lol. I now have a new man who
is an angel, trust me in time you to will find someone, who is not a cheating liar,
we are not all the same, gl for the future     23-Sep-11

A:      I am not the first to be cheated on, nor will I be the last… and with the
        feedback from this listing I hope for a happy future…

Compiler’s note: Although the whole story has been confirmed as just a STORY, there is so much humour in the questions and replies, that all available will be presented, and will be when time permits.

So what next?

Well Dave did come clean, admitted the whole story was JUST a STORY, what a guy.. His follow up is another masterpiece, complete with abject apologies et al…

Watch this space

Written by nandinium

September 26, 2011 at 8:27 pm